I'm in a vunerable place. My heart is pounding harder with each step. The room is full of familiar faces, as well as strange faces. Standing behind a heavy, red curtain in the dark, I am waiting.
Being on stage is something that for me, was like breathing, sleeping, eating. I needed it. I didn't need it for attention, I didn't need it to prove anything to anyone. I needed it to escape. It was safe, but daring at the same time. I was safe from turmoil and tears at home, but I was embarking on the most magical adventure under the lights and set. It was an excuse for me to be someone else, even for just a few hours. Or perhaps it was an excuse for me to be myself without feeling the need to justify anything. Behind the costumes, the make-up, the hair, the dances, the script, I am building a character whether it be mine, or the one on paper.
I used to sit on the cold, hardwood floor, facing the stage. My 10 year old little heart, weighing heavy in my small frame, just longing to be one of those beautifully dressed women dancing and singing on stage. I would beg my father to take me to rehearsals with him, and I would willingly sit there for hours wide-eyed, full of love. I would help in any way I could, just to be closer to the stage. There was a hallway that stretched across the back of the stage,where the actors and actresses would make fast costume changes, or silently wait for their entrance. The wall was adorned with picture frames full of posed little girls in tu tu's and glitter. I would slowly walk up and down the stretch of that hallway in the dark picking out my favorite one in each picture. It seems that by the time I reached the end of the wall, I was silently waiting in the dark for my entrance. I was one of those beautifully dressed women. I wasn't that little 10 year old, with a heavy heart longing to shine under the hot lights. It was my turn.
Patience. Hope. Faith. Determination. Love. Passion. It took those things to get there. It was years before I was given a one line solo, or even one word to say, but that did not matter to me. I wanted to be a part of it in any way that I could. I was in love. I still am. I miss performing. I need that again. That's the problem with growing older. I make excuses for why I can't do the things I once held so dearly. Maybe I will have to change that.
